Friday, May 1, 2009

Heroes- Fight of the Century




VS.



It's a big day for your boy, Jay Ballz. No work, X-Men Origins: Wolverine premieres, our Phillies face the Metropolitans for the first time this season and tailgating for BOTH doesn't sound all that absurd to me.

Anyway, I surveyed some qualified phans and got several opinions on how exactly a fight might go down if the mutant hero Wolverine faced off against Phillies hero Matt Stairs.

Well known blogger, Chris, of I've Made a Huge Tiny Mistake, kept it real and said the following- "Wolverine has adamantium (indestructible metal substance) claws, so that's a great advantage. Stairs' Wonder Bat is neutralized there. See, the problem becomes Wolverine's ability to recover (he has a regenerative power) faster. Stairs is merely human. Sure, he has a goatee, and goatees are great, but they're great for saving sauce, not for defeating mutants. I think Wolverine takes it in a fight to the death in about 15 minutes because Stairs simply doesn't get enough practice." Matt Stairs merely human? That's news to me.

My lady, Mrs. Ballz (AKA- Nikki) claimed, "Matt Stairs could keep hitting balls at Wolverine and Wolverine could just shred them, with his claws, as they come at him flying like 200 mph. Then, Stairs would put DOLLAR DOGS on Wolverine’s claws so he can’t use them…ha ha ha ha. Cheap defensive weapons!" I think that's a prediction in favor of Stairs.

Mike Olshin, former Phillies reporter for The Times of Trenton, had this to say regarding our phantasy hero match up- "I am guessing that Matt Stairs would take his baseball bat into the fight and probably get some good shots in at Wolverine to start. Because I'm a wrestling fan, both sides have to have some offense -- this wouldn't be a squash by any means. Stairs gets some good blows to Wolverine, who feels them all, but can certainly regain his strength and powers in record time. For fun Wolverine starts throwing balls at Stairs with his superhuman strength, but cannot throw them by our Canadian Superhero, who hits them further and further as Wolverine throws them up to speeds of over 150 mph. Finally, a 160mph fastball comes in and Stairs hits a line drive that strikes Wolverine in the head ... which makes him mad, causes him to go berserk, and snap off Stairs' arms before killing him. And then we are subjected to 9th inning Miguel Cairo at bats, causing Phillies fans to suffer for ages." Hilarious! Nice work, Olsh.

Tony Graham of the Asbury Park Press kept it simple by stating, "Heck...I'll take Matt (if he can use his bat!)"

Phriend of Phoul Ballz, C-Mac, laid it out like this- "Matt Stairs would totally win he's more bad-ass with his grey(ing) goatee, Wolverine got those wimpy talons that couldn't satisfy a back scratch. Oh, and Wolverine didn't hit a home run to give the Phillies the lead in game 4 of the NLCS." Other phriends of PhoulBallz, the newly engaged to be married couple, Jax & Jamie, were sure that Wolverine would come out victorious. Jamie sited sex appeal as a factor in choosing her winner. "I'm sure Stairs could do some damage swinging that bat, but I've got to take Wolverine in this fight. Those knives are pretty crazy. Plus Hugh Jackman is hot." That's controversial! Stairs is a damn perfect 10 stud! Conversely, one last friend took Stairs' side. Charlie said- "Wolverine may have unbreakable bones, or whatever, but Stairs is so powerful he can hit home runs like a billionaire makes money."

Amanda of Swing and a Long Drive gave this quick over view- "Who would win? Matt Stairs. Stairs clips off Wolverine's nails (claws?) and uses them as baseball bats.. and still hits home runs."

The votes seem rather even. Fittingly, Mike Krenik of The Shore Sports Report gave the most perfect answer of all. Mike K. claims, "(The fight) would rage on for hours, as both men are indestructible forces. Eventually, both tired and worn-out, they would return to their Canadian roots, share a Labatt Blue, and egg David Wright's house."

With Krenik's answer in my head, I simply can't imagine any other ending for this dream match. PhoulBallz.com Hero Match Up Result- DRAW, David Wright's house egged.

7 comments:

mvr joe said...

Stairs is > superman
superman is > wolverine

ergo stairs > wolverine...

science baby...makes proving things fun

enjoy the day off from hell mr ballz


i hope i can get the HH without you

Anonymous said...

i love that their drinking labatt blue and egging david wrights house that is the ultimate ending.
Chris Mac

Amanda said...

This was such a good idea. Fun to read.

Canadian Wood said...

I'm so mad I was late to the party on this one. Got some great stuff in here!

Canadian Wood said...

The aforementioned post is up.

http://canadianwood.blogspot.com/

Chris said...

i think people are underestimating wolverine here. we all love Matt Stairs, but wolverine HAS FREAKIN CLAWS

Jay Ballz said...

Haha!

Glad everyone had fun with this. Enjoy the movie and gom Phils!